Welcome to my online journal!.

TW for this journal!.

2:16am Dec 1st 2022.

I have my first therapy session tomorrow at noon, im really nervous.

I shouldn't be awake right now but I am. IDK I just am so attached to being sick, I like it. But I guess it also won't magically fix me... Maybe I'm just scared of change?

My husband says it's amazing I got a session in so fast. Therapist and consuelling are hard to get into esspecially up in alaska he says. But they marked me as a priority.

We went shopping today and got stocking stuffer for our friends since our Yule (Christmas) is going to be spent with friends. We both don't like our parents much lol

I miss our friend Daniel, me and him click and bounce off eachother so easily, but he'll be back from working in another counrty next week. And I still have Leo and Kyle.

Besides my husband of course they're my best friends! I can't wait to hang out with them again. We hangout every saturday and' it's my only social interaction all week

5:44am Dec 2nd 2022.

Therapy was weird. It felt weird to talk to her about everything that's happened to me. The CSA, the rape, the abuse ect....

But it felt SO good to here her say that she believed me. But also it sucked! Because while I know I am fucked up it felt more

real. Like to have a medical professional comfirm everything, made it bigger, more real?

Guess I kinda have been hiding it in the back ground through jokes and memes..

9:31am Dec 6th 2022.

I've had a lot of nightmares after my nfirst therapy session ngl. I've found myself returning to heavier Eating disorder behaviours to cope.

I've started much lower restriction today after a 22 hour fast (which was just me sleeping for 22 hours). Today feels down. It's cloudy, cold, and snowing

I slept for a decent amount today. Had a dream about Kyle, a friend I've got a pretty big crush on. (My husband knows im a polyamourous person).

He's super kind and very funny. He's also very handsome despite being so long and lanky. He's 6'2 but his personality is so soft and affectionate in his own little way.

He's got beautiful blue eyes and soft brown hair. He let me put cat ears on his and we cuddled a lot last game night while watching Saw 3 and Land before time.

We text all the time and even my husband said he noticed how fast we hit it off the first time we met. He's got big hands that can cover my entire shoulder at once.

He's always warm, and so so gentle. He's impulsive af (He let me tattoo him the first time we met), but he also is a bit of a push over. He's very go with the flow.

Idk I just really like him. He'll be moving to a new base in Flordia Next month on the 13th, I know my time is limited at least physically and it makes me itch

To bathe in his physical touch and voice as much as I possibly can. On the good side he said we'd play minecraft together and talk even when we can't see eachother.

I'll miss him as I'm super phhysically affectionate. But that's okay I'll be with him again sometime when our lives allign again! ^_^

6:11am Dec 12th 2022.

Fuck I love life so much. I had such a good day yesterday and it took all my energy out of me, but im finally awake again! Yesterday the guys came over.

We watched youttube and Kyle went around and checkeed our smoke alarms, which i personally think was sweet and I was kinda worried bout them so...

Me and my friends talked and messed around for hours and we decided to go for a drive at 2am. Daniel took us to a frozen lake he liked, and that shit was frozen solid.

I've never stood on a frozen lake like that. Everything was so beautiful. Plus I got to ride shotgun next to Kyle, I felt so warm and comfortable next to him.

We all got in a snow ball fight, though it was more like snow chunks? It wasnt the right snow for snowballs but I had a blast watching them run around smacking eachotheer with snow.

I got a few hits in but my aim isnt very good, nor is my arm strength. Tried to make a snow angel but it was absolutely not happening. Afterwards we wanted to go 1: Get gas

the tank was almost empty and 2:get snacks at a gas station off base. It got a bit freaky as we seemed to get lost with no internet for a while in the middle of a snowy forest at 3am.

Kyle and I kept making jokes that we where in the start of a horror movie, I even assigned roles to everyone.It was really fun and I personally think the added tension made it

that much more funny. Then at the gas station Christian took shotgun and I rode in the back with Daniel. I basically cuddled and laid on him the entire ride home. It was so cold

On the way back since I wasn't up front to control the heat, and all these guys are living heaters. When we got home Daniel had to leave and Christian was basically passing out.

So it was just me and Kyle. We watched his tiktok together, and cuddled with his arm wrapped around me, gods it was comfortable. He talked about his friends in Cali and I watched

As he comforted a friend who was dealing with a break up. It was interesting seeing how he tire to handle it. Balancing on a line of not treating them like glass but being concerned

I got to see pictures of him as a kid and he was just as deranged and lanky in those pictures as he is now. We talked about life, love, general human relationships and just chopped

it up for hours. We got back home at like 6am and we where still vibing around 10am. I really appreciate spending time with him: he's a soulmate in the oddest way hahaha.

I notied this freckle on his eye lid, and wow how pretty are his eyes. The way his lips curl and his crows feetcoming up when he smiled is so attractive, his voice is alwasy so smoky,

throaty and deep It's so wonderful to heart it sparks my heart instantaneously. Hes also got this birth mark on his neck and I wonder who could possibly leave it un-kissed?

I'm being mushy but I just feel really safe when im with him. And I loved finding out his favourite things like youtubers and music. I ended up asking him a question that i like to ask

How do you feel loved? What makes you feel loved? He gave me such a rela and almost pretty answer. That he really wants to know someone and be known himself. IT was pretty similar to my answer

I want to be known, from the top of my head right down to my feet, without a milimeter of misunderstanding. Idk I had a really fun nightw and honestly that was the high-light.

6:39am Dec 22nd 2022.

I've had a rough couple days but somehow they where also the most safe and fun?... It started when my partner and I picked up my friend Kyle and just drove around for an hour or so.

While my partner was getting tired, me and Kyle where both wide awake. So I asked if I could contuine to hangout with Kyle and crash at his place, everyone agreed. I'll admit there was

something off about my partner, but I thought he was just exhausted, after all he normally went to bed around midnight, and it was 4am. I was fucking wrong apparently. He told me it was

okay with him, lied through his fucking teeth saying I could do what I wanted. But when we pulled up and he dropped me off at Kyles place he said nothing. When I went to open the door to

kiss him goodnight, he said something quiet. I don't want to repeat it, but it was angry, cruel, and insulting to the core. He drove off without even looking me in the eyes after.

I think it's sad how I took it. It felt so normal to me, I was more lost and confused then angry. I felt hurt, it had dug into traumas I have deep inside of me, and yet I felt... calm?

I just kinda stood for a second in the cold, then followed Kyle up to his apartment. My partner yelled at me over text, as I tried to explain how hurt and insulted I was. I gave up

Later on in the night he admited over text that he had fucked up and that he was sorry. I just kinda brushed it off and began to focus on Kyle and his place around me. It's an odd

little place, one bed, one bath, no living room, and the smallest kitchen you can imagine. The tub leaked, and the walls where cracked, windows poorly sealed. It felt calm in a way hard to

explain. There was a matress on the floor, a broken box spring leaning against the wall. The writing on it declared proudly 'chaos reigns!' and it did in the purest form I could feel. So

fucking absurd. It was haunting, but not malevolent. Like a decompression chamber, a comfortable hell, or purgatory as he called it. Everything about it was broken, but working. He had so

many simple things missing. No handsoap in the bathroom, no chairs, no baking sheet, and nothing in his fridge but some beer, jelly, and canned beans he couldnt open. It was charming to me

Because he was not a man-child, he was absolutely capable of taking care of himself further. He just chose to live this way. He declared his place 'shitcore' with such a fantastic

Self aware smile and chuckle. It felt like home. He says he likes it this way, that he saves money renting the place, but I cant help but wonder if some part of it is also some degree of

mental illness. Maybe that's why I loved it so much. It felt real, not prestine and fake. Forgiving, free, accepting of lifes downfalls and ugly truths. And we lived. There wasn't much to

do, he didn't have internet, just a sketch book, markers, and a computer with downloaded games. I watched him play games while silently drawing in his sketchbook. It felt right. After a

while of this and showing him my drawings, we bundled up and watched horror game analysis videos on my phone together. The channel he pulled up was awesome, existential, deep, and fun.

I also got to enjoy rumaging through his place slowly unraveling the horrible and funny eldrich horror he had comed to live in. It was absurd! I went to piss in his bathroom and he had a set

of facial washes, retinols, and mousterizers, but no handsoap. I walked out and rasing a brow asked him where his handsoap was. And he produced the most goofy, shit eating grin before just

bursting into a fit of giggles and laughter. Like he had won some sort of prank war or stupid game. I couldn't help but laugh with him it was infectious. He then told me he had a bar of soap

in his kitchen that smelled like sulfur. I rolled my eyes while writing this because of course thats what he has. Very on brand moment for him. We talked through out the early morning until

the sun was well in the sky. I remember his hands gentley touching me at times messing with my spine and touching my shoulders and petting my head. I said a lot of things that where so weird

and stupid, but he loved it. He didn't care he said I was being authentic and thats what matters. Just laying my head in his lap and talking absolute nonsense. I noticed the sun behind him

peaking through the window, he looked beautiful. I asked to take his picture and he agreed. After a few shots I told him he looked too stiff and sad. He griped he just couldn't smile with

his eyes. I don't remember exactly what I said but I think it was just me teasing him lovingly. In that moment I caught it. So perfect. Eyes bright, happy, pupils blown. A genuine smile

on his face. I caught it! It's embarassing to admit but I've looked at that picture more times then i should. I adore it! It feels so special to me, I put that smile there, in that sunrise.

We went to bed at 11am. IDK about him but I slept on and off, thinking about how lucky I was to just exist at the same time and place as him. Enjoying his sleep talk and the way our breathing

synced up without me even trying. I slept well besides that, the type of sleep where you're out the moment your eyes closed. He woke me up around 4pm and we hung out for a while longer, but I

had to go home. I was dreading it. My partner and I talked it through and he ended up crying on my lap. He gave me options on him touching me and even talking to me. It felt awkard as hell

To me a partner saying shit like that was normal, the everyday. Yeah it hurt and maybe I just haven't processed it yet but I was just tired and my allregies where acting up super bad.

The next day and unhtil right now, I know i'm just numbing it, haven't really eaten, not super comfortable with touch yet. Dissociated mostly, wondering why everyone eventually comes to be

cruel to me. No mattter how good I am, no matter how much I heal someone will kick me down. I joke irl a lot that I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I'm right. No one

is actually safe. People are fun and loving until they aren't. They'll accept you to a point. then it all comes crashing down. And how I'm used to it. But hey I guess I'll have to unpack

that bullshit later. I have therapy today after all, maybe after if im good I'll swing by Kyles place again to chill and make kandi bracelets <3 WIsh me luck!

6:52pm Jan 12nd 2023.

Well it's been a very eventful time. It's been a while.I decided to break things off with my husband. It was a hard decision but we both just want different futuresa and things. I'm now

officialy dating Kyle. I love him, I know it's probaly just infatuation as we've only been dating for like a month. Unfortunately he's left. We lived together for a month and a half after

We got snowed in during our 2nd sleepover. But as I've said he's getting stationed in Florida. Right now. as I type he has 12 hours till his flight. I'm still at home living with my Ex.

He's alright he still loves and cares about me a lot, which hurts more then you'd expect. I'll be folllowing Kyle to Florida in 2 months. I can't wait it feels so far away. Today is my first

day back at my house in a month and a half. I can firmly say; I have never felt more alone then now. It's moments like these i realize that. I don't have anyone to talk to but an ex and my

boyfriend who's miles away in an airport super busy. I thought I had other friends but I'm realiing how they weren't really friends they are my Ex's friends. I miss Kyle so fucking much

I miss having someone to hold onto when things get bad, I miss all this stuff I never really had. I'm all alone. My Ex's is at work and it's just me and my cats. I'm so scared of life.